When I need to say goodbye
by JenCollins1
Summary: Mark make people go crazy, angels too. So when it get's too much for Cas, Dean is there for him.


**When I need to say goodbye.**

Things went bad, they just did. And really, it shouldn't be a surprise for them anymore but it still was.

Dean thought that it was all over, that all the bad days were gone, that all the darkness was past him, but of course he was wrong about that, there came bad days with cold breaths and darkness creeping over his body and mind.

At first it wasn't anything too bad.

Cas got himself more into fighting, more into hunting, but with Dean he still was the same, still loving and letting the bits of his grace shine upon Dean.

But with time, Dean saw the coming disaster, it was like a big truck driving straight at you without you being able to step aside so it wouldn't hit you.

Cas was going mad and not like last time when he was talking about bees and peace, now he was bloodthirsty.

He reminded Dean when he was in control of his mark, in control of the first blade.

They were so similar yet so different because Castiel still was an angel, even if he counted as a fallen one, he was still an angel.

It hurt when his grace stopped shining, when it turned into something dark and bitter.

But Dean stayed there.

He always stayed there.

He would be there to keep Cas still, wiping away all the blood and knitting together the split skin, he just was there, never leaving no matter how much it was ripping his heart apart.

Because he was still Cas, right?

But then it got too bad, way too bad.

Even Dean couldn't really control Cas anymore.

It would take longer to calm him down, it would take fighting between them, often leaving Dean lying on the floor, gasping for breath in a puddle of his own blood.

But still, he was there for Cas.

He argued with Sam, with everyone who told him that they needed to stop Cas, that they needed to lock him away.

But in reality, he knew that it was true.

So he locked himself away, building the malec box for Cas.

And when the day came, he held Cas tight in his arms, choking on his own tears, kissing him with all the love he had inside him, and Cas didn't even fight back, he held tightly onto Dean, answering every chasing kiss, murmuring that it was all okay.

So Dean lay him in the box, stopping in the row of shaking, not able to breath properly, choking on his own tears but at the same time, not being able to look away from Cas who fucking smiles at him, cupping his cheek in his hand, wiping away Dean's tears.

One last kiss and a soft 'I love you'.

Then Dean needed to close the box and lock it.

That final look Dean caught in the last millimeters before locking the box still haunted him, bright blue eyes so sad and full of love and longing.

Dean took just one more breath before pushing the box into the ocean, watching it sink.

He spent the whole night there, looking at the same spot where the box had disappeared under the soft waves.

Day one.

Dean is locked in his room.

He had let himself cry his eyes out, hugging Cas' trench coat tightly to his chest, pressing his face into the pillow that still smelled like Cas.

He can't move, he can't breathe, he can't do anything but just hold onto the last pieces of Cas left.

And he prays, he prays like it's the only air he can get.

He apologizes to Cas for all of this, over and over again.

He then soothes Cas that everything is okay, that everything is alright and that he loves him.

He falls asleep repeating it over and over again, not really knowing if he is doing it for Cas or for himself.

Day five.

Dean still is locked in his own room, he doesn't cry anymore, he's not sure if there are even any tears left in his body to cry.

He just lies there, holding onto the last strays of Cas' scent, praying softly to him.

Day twenty.

Dean has gone back to hunting but without real desire.

He goes just to look after Sam.

So by the time he gets back to the bunker, he pulls Cas' trench coat closer and starts to pray.

He tells Cas all about the hunt, about what an idiot Sam is.

He goes on and on but still ends it the same, that everything is alright, that Cas is alright and that Dean loves him.

Day fifty.

Dean is drinking way too much, spending every free moment just talking to Cas.

He's not even sure if Cas hears his prayers but he is too afraid to stop.

So he goes on.

Always ending it the same, that everything is alright and that he loves Cas.

Day one hundred and ninety nine.

There was a really bad hunt: Dean is spent, he is bleeding, on the edge of passing out but he still prays to Cas, coating his words in softness, telling Cas not to worry, that everything is alright and that Dean loves him no matter what.

Day two hundred and seventy eight.

Dean is breaking down, he can feel it.

Everything is going to shit and he can't stop it.

So he lets his mind wander on, he lets himself rant to Cas about everything that is wrong and fucked up.

He just goes on and on for hours before calming down and feeling empty.

He slowly climbs into bed, snuggles into Cas' trench coat and pillow, letting himself fall into sleep but not before apologizing to Cas and saying that everything is alright and that he loves Cas.

Day four hundred and sixty one.

Nothing is good.

Sam has a death wish and Dean is empty.

Dean's prayers come out with big gaps in between, but at the end of the day he still grips Cas' worn out trench coat and murmurs tiredly that everything is alright and that he loves Cas with all his heart.

Day five hundred eighteen.

Dean is lying in a puddle of his own blood, he is gasping for breath.

Everything had gone to hell.

They had lost.

He lost.

The pain is too much but Dean is still too numb.

He closes his eyes, sucking in one ragged breath.

_Cas… _

_I'm sorry, I am so sorry. _

_I tried, we tried. I am so sorry. Please forgive me, please, please. _

_I failed you, I failed humanity. _

_But please, please stay calm, please don't hurt yourself. For me, please don't hurt yourself._

Dean is cold, he's sure that his body is shivering but he can't really feel it.

_Baby…_

_Thank you, thank you for being with me, for loving me._

_Thank you, Cas._

_Thank you for all of it._

_I love you so much, I love you._

Dean can't breathe anymore, air just doesn't go into his lungs, he lies there, knowing that he's turning blue.

And a thought runs through his mind.

_Maybe now I will be just as blue as your eyes._

Dean wants to laugh but he can't, but he's almost sure that he lets out a laugh in his prayer.

_Nothing will ever be more beautiful than you, my Angel._

Dean feels himself fading, he could open his eyes to see if the reaper is already there but he doesn't want to, nor does he know if he really can.

_I'm dying._

_But everything is alright, you are alright, Cas, everything is alright and I love you, I love you…_

Just before dark settles over Dean, he can see Cas, clearly as day, right in front of his closed eyelids.

And there comes that high static sound, breaking through Dean's bleeding ears, through his head.

But now he understands it.

It's soft and calming.

It's Castiel's answer to all his prayers.

_I love you, Dean._


End file.
